Boundaries and fear of rejection don’t mix so well together
Especially with relationships that are meaningful to me
It feels terrifying in certain scenarios to be true to myself and speak my needs because I am afraid If I speak my needs I will loose connection
I am scared If I create space people will leave and reject me and so I reject and abandon myself.
This is so deeply programmed inside of me.
Even if I understand how important it is to communicate my boundaries there is a place so lodged in my body that doesn’t know how to do that based off the way I was raised and other societal conditioning.
This leaves me to reject my truth which then continues to build resentment and frustration inside until I finally reach way past over my boiling point where I can’t handle it anymore and I end up being abrupt and sharp to the people I care about when I finally speak what had been festering inside.
This sometimes confuses and hurts their feelings which makes so much sense.
Then they don’t feel safe with me and the rejection wound plays itself out.
This is a pattern I have noticed for awhile.
I use to never know how communicate my needs so I would just be enmeshed and always lose myself in others in order to be liked
I have been use to this my whole life and being back at my parents house the last month and a half has shown me ever more clearly how this continues to be a main theme.
When I speak my truth or share my opinion I am not listened to.
I am immediately dismissed or told I am wrong.
When I set a boundary with them I am told I am selfish.
When I create space I am questioned and not understood.
The list goes on….
For the last year I have been committed to learning and practicing boundaries but I am still in this weird in-between place of doing my best to not go along with others to be accepted but still really afraid to communicate what is real for me and request space or communicate my truth when I need to.
To my subconscious mind space equals lost of connection which equals rejection which is my deepest wound that I am working with in this lifetime.
To my rational mind I know space doesn’t mean rejection
But my cognitive understanding and felt sense experience aren’t lining up yet
I remember once I was at lunch with a sister and she wouldn’t stop talking about guys and on the inside I was cringing & not enjoying the conversation at all but on the outside I was playing along and pretending to engage to be accepted and then after hours of abandoning my truth I freaked out and abruptly said I had to leave and it shocked her, brought up her trauma of not feeling safe, she said she didn’t trust me and shortly after that we stopped being friends because both of our wounds were playing out with one another and we both didn’t feel safe. (There are more pieces to this story but thats a short summary).
Now with my new beloved it is coming up to be seen, loved and embraced even more.
He is so good at honoring his needs, taking space and being true to himself.
It is really inspiring to me
And I still notice how I play into engaging at times when it isn’t in my highest.
For example: picking up the phone right when I see he is calling without taking a moment to really feel into if I actually want to speak.
Yesterday after talking on the phone for a bit I was noticing the boiling over point arising because I had not been honoring my truth.
The past couple of days I was needing space.
I was noticing that I didn’t feel like talking on the phone as much
But I was not communicating this to him
I didn’t know how to say “hey love I don’t feel like talking right now.. we’ve been talking a lot more on the phone since you got out of school and it feels like too much for me and I need some space”
So what happens is I end up filling the conversation with pointless topics because I am not really present and engaged.
And truthfully I think this is a tactic so he will say he has to go… so I don’t have to be the one to disengage because it is scary for me!
I know this sounds so ridiculous.. and thats because it is… but it is so real.
The terror I feel inside to ask for space and speak my needs
So back to yesterday,
After talking for a bit I abruptly and sharply said I had to go..
It caught him off guard and confused him
He didn’t quite understand at first and it brought up some stuff for him
He was asking some questions about it before we got off the phone and I was so uncomfortable
My hands were fidgety and I was feeling so much fear
He acknowledged that he was aware it had to do with my fear of rejection which felt good he was able to hold that awareness and not take it too personal, even though it did bring up things for him
When connection suddenly gets shut off it is a surprise for him because he had no idea I needed something.
Sometimes he does take that personal and questions whether it was something he did or said and there is disappointment that the connection gets ruptured because of my fear to communicate what I need
And in that moment he has a need for connection to understand and I am not able to provide it because I am already past my tipping point.
Once we got off the phone I went into dissociation, felt numb and emotionally ate.
Then I noticed the fear of taking space arise so I wanted to bridge connection with him.
Partly because I didn’t like how our conversation ended and partly because my wounded little one was scared of being rejected and wanted to make sure I was safe.
He wasn’t able to speak because he was busy and also wanted to be with his response, own it and consciously take space for himself to settle to be present for us.
He also communicated he was there and loved me.
Then I was busy the rest of the night.
He called me right after Ecstatic Dance and again, I immediately answered when it wasn’t in the highest because I was needing to focus on driving and listening to the directions.
I told him I had to go (which was hard for me) and we didn’t end up talking the rest of the night.
That felt scary to me but I had to trust.
The question that kept running through my mind was if I honor myself & choose to not speak will I still be loved?
Then I woke up in the middle of the night from a crazy scary dream and I messaged him and he was there, so present, so available and without trying to save me offered me a beautiful way to allow myself to feel the fear that the dream activated in my body and I was able to go back to sleep.
He showed up for me even amidst this conflict we were in which showed so much maturity and felt very meaningful to me.
We finally spoke today and the conversation was so healing.
I shared my fears and cried and cried as he continued to share how he accepts all of me.
I feel so grateful to be with a man who doesn’t run away when I go into these patterns
Who stays in connection with me
Who lets me know that he is present and loving me (even when he says he needs space to honor himself)
For me this feels like the ultimate healing to allow this wound to be rewired and create new neuro pathways of safety and healthy boundaries
Being with someone who encourages me to honor myself and take space and can recognize when I am moving from the wounded little one and still loves me and doesn’t try to fix me, caretake or change me but accepts me and the complex trauma that I experience… uhh, this is everything.
I know this is an implicit biological survival mechanism that I have learned and is most likely going to arise again.
And when it does we are both committed to be in it together and support each other the best we can.
Being in a relationship where I feel so met and seen is really new to me and feels so amazing.
Our love has continued to deepen from afar and I can’t wait to be back in his arms on the precious island of Kauai in just a few days!