When I was in Kauai I connected with someone very deeply.
It felt so right, alive, passionate, deep, beautiful, joyful, & playful
When I left we continued to communicate pretty consistently
Kind of saying we were choosing to still only engage with each other
Kind of leaving it open to the mystery
No clear agreements or boundaries
After about two weeks I noticed my heart deepen after one of our juicy conversations
And then that night I had a dream of him lying, hiding & pushing me away
It triggered my fear, anxiety and trauma immensely
I told him I wanted to talk to him about it
And he disappeared
My nervous system became so dis-regulated
For two days he barely even responded to my messages
And if he did the energy behind them was so short and sharp that my anxiety spiked even more
We finally talked on the phone and we were both triggered, reactive, and not able to hear/feel one another
We took space for a couple of days
We spoke again and I shared my personal process and why my wounds got ignited
He shared how he didn’t feel heard and then set some strong boundaries as well as shared that he wanted to connect with others
My heart shifted
Not because he wanted to connect with others
But because his boundaries were so strong it didn’t feel that there was a desire to choose to meet each other
And I also didn’t hear him take ownership for his part of why he pulled away besides saying ‘he was extremely busy’ (which was true but didn’t feel like the entire truth) and it left me feeling uninspired
I took space and tuned into my womb
I came to the knowing that according to his boundaries and since he is doing what he needs to do to choose himself there was no space to meet each other and that would not work for me.
That was me choosing myself and honoring my Truth even though it meant losing the way our connection currently looked
I reached back out and told him I wanted to shift our energy into more of a friendship and that I still loved and cared deeply and wanted to continue to weave our connection however felt true
I felt back in my center
Back in my power
Anchored in myself and my Truth
Then he started coming closer
We spoke more about my choice and he opened up and shared how he recognized the pattern of him pulling away to take care of himself and he didn’t know that he could choose himself and stay in connection because he was afraid of letting me down.
He thought if he said “hey I’m not available right now’ I would leave or pull away and then I left and pulled away anyways and he got frustrated and was covering up the grief of potential loss that he didn’t want to feel.
Throughout this conversation there was
so much love
so much beauty
so much seeing of each other
trusting each other more
both having immense compassion and forgiveness for our wounds and the ways we navigate conflict
And what was beautiful is he got to go into what he was afraid of and feel the grief with a soft open heart while simultaneously staying in connection
We listened to each other
We owned our experience
We softened our defenses and chose connection within the disconnection which brought us closer together
& now there is a deeper foundation of trust
We both chose ourselves
And it appeared by doing that we would loose connection with one another
But it brought us closer instead of farther away
Then I started to notice my avoidant tendencies come through
He continued to come closer
And I felt fear
I come closer
You move away
You come closer
I move away
I am realizing I don’t know how to keep my heart open and simultaneously not loose myself
Shortly after we first connected I lost my center, I was giving my power away, I wasn’t anchored in my core, I was closing myself off to other beautiful connections and I was already moving into codependent patterns
This conflict brought me out of the fantasy bubble, THANK GOD!
And now my heart is guarded because I don’t know how to go deep and not be consumed
When I am really honest I am not sure how to do that in a healthy way
I recognize that whenever a romantic relationship arises there is this energy of weakness that is present inside of me and whenever I shift out of this dynamic I come back into my power almost instantly.
I had a conversation about this with my previous beloved a week ago
When we were together I felt weak and small
I was not able to stay in my power
Ever since we broke up that energy dissipated
He told me how It made him really sad and he wished that I was able to be in my power when we were together
And I recognize in intimate relationships there is something inside of me that instantly shifts and I lose my sense of self
I change in order to not be rejected or lose love
I don’t want to be abandoned so instead I abandon myself
It is almost automatic
It is what I saw when I was growing up
And it is all I’ve ever known
I am ready to learn a new way
Now I feel kind of numb and my heart is guarded because I don’t know how to open deeply and not loose myself completely
It makes me sad and I also feel hopeful to see these patterns more clearly
I am being gentle and loving as I navigate how to create new pathways of healthy, deep, & sovereign love.
All I know is that I am choosing to communicate as transparently as possible the pattern of wanting to pull away and through it I am choosing to stay in connection which is new and feels scary, vulnerable and amazing.
The more authentic I am about what is really happening for me inside and he doesn’t pull away through my process allows me to feel safe, to move closer and to trust.
I don't know what the outcome will be with this new relationship but I know that this person means a lot to me and the connection feels rich and beautiful and there is a lot of growth taking place.
Love is a journey and an exploration into the deepest parts of ourselves.
When we choose to open ourselves to another it creates a container to expand in ways that we aren't able to do alone.
It is deeply rewarding.
Feeling deep compassion for all of us and the ways we avoid love.
& sending so many thanks to every single human that has helped me learn to open my heart & see myself more.
I am beyond grateful for this wild mysterious life and to be here on Earth learning more about Love with each of you.
May we all continue to walk each other home into the deepest crevasses of ourselves so we can remember behind all the fear, pain and trauma.. at our core we are always whole and loved, always.
Sending you all so much love,