Since I shared the last authentic chronicles: Afraid of Love, lots has shifted and transpired with the man I am connecting with
We both have been opening our hearts more, feeling more anchored and grounded in our connection and our communication has been very fluid and joyful.
There has been a deepening taking place that has felt super yummy.
A few nights ago he told me he was going to a cacao ecstatic dance and I noticed I felt subtle anxiety so I asked for some reassurance
He quickly responded back to me and told me that right now he was only interested in being open with me (we still don’t have agreements since we are not in the same place)
It felt nice to receive and the anxiety was still there but I was okay with it
The next morning he responded to an article I sent him and I could feel the energy behind the message felt different
Yes, I am that sensitive to energy.
Being a Highly Sensitive Empath has been one of the biggest challenges as well as gifts in my life and it is not always easy to navigate, especially when others meter of authenticity is different and they don’t think withholding information will negatively effect the container.
To me withholding information is deceiving and I consider that not being transparent and truthful which for me feels like I am being lied to.
So back to the story
I could feel something was off
I sent him a sweet message as well as a message telling him I was feeling anxious and was exploring if I needed reassurance and I asked him what his experience was and what happens for him when I am anxious.
Read my messages
He posts twice on Facebook
At this point my mind is starting to feel suspicious & my nervous system could already sense something was going on.
This energy is very different than our usual flow of connecting and it created a situation where my anxiety spiked.
This is what was going through my mind during the hours of silence
“Did he connect with someone or wants to and he is scared to tell me so isn’t connecting”
“Why is he not responding when he has been super responsive until I share that I am anxious”
“When I’m anxious does he go into his avoidant tendencies.. is this going to work? Why is he not able to come closer when I am feeling anxious, I really need that”
“Is he not telling me something”
More anxiety ...
“Does my anxiety push him away”
I told him it felt confusing for me when I communicate I am anxious and he reads my messages, posts on Facebook and doesn’t send a message back to let me know where he is at, that feels challenging for me.
He finally responded and let me know he would get back to me.
He messaged again and overall his answer didn’t fully land with me and I felt there was more he wasn’t sharing.
I told him I needed him to show up, that I wanted him to move closer when I am anxious and I want to feel held and safe.
I was triggered and frustrated because this is the third time I have communicated this and asked for a simple text of care and support.
We go back and forth a bit
I tell him I feel there is something else happening that he isn’t sharing.
We go back and forth some more
I am in a reactive and strong state sharing boldly my needs and what I am feeling
And finally I soften and let him know that I trust in us to navigate this and I care and love him and I want to understand what is happening for him
He told me that felt safer for him
Then he video calls me
We talk for 20 min in of our natural flow
And then I notice something happening as he goes silent and into his mind and I asked him what was going on
And he says “I am not sure if I should share this with you right now or not because you're anxious”
And in my mind I am like omg there is something, um, wtf yes please share.
And I asked him the context and he says
“I am attracted to somebody else”
And you know what happened….
I didn’t feel upset or jealous like I have in the past
I FELT CALM AND MY ANXIETY WENT AWAY IMMEDIATELY
Literally my nervous system had been pounding all day and as soon as he said that I felt SO MUCH RELIEF!
When he withholds information I feel anxious because I can feel that something is not being shared.
As soon as he shared this I was so grateful because now we had something to work with
His transparency actually turned me on and I felt safe
I also understood that he needed time to sit with this and wasn’t ready to share.
I let him know in the future simply letting me know that he was going through something and needs space to reflect before sharing would help me so much and would mean a lot to me.
Then we had an epic conversation about his attraction to someone else
For the first time in my life I genuinely felt the joy of allowing someone to be free and explore themselves in the ways that feel good to them & for their growth even if that doesn’t look like what I would desire
I told him to do what he needs to do to know his truth and my only request was to please not engage intimately until he communicated with me after they speak.
I let him know that I may feel upset, reactive or hurt if he does want to engage with this woman and that that is okay and natural and it is not his responsibility to have to make sure I don’t feel those things, but it is his reasonability to show up and be honest so we can navigate it together
This was also deeply meaningful for him as he has never had someone communicate and show up and love him in this way before with a situation like this
And this was huge for me to see how my jealously and grip of control is shifting
(There was a monumental experience that happened right before I left Bali that shifted my entire reality about relationships HUGELY that I plan to share more about soon)
It was a marker for both of us
The next morning we both felt so much closer to each other
Exchanging yummy messages and sharing our hearts more
He is still attracted to this other woman and he is going to connect with her about it
And I don’t know what the outcome of that is going to be
But I trust in our love and our connection and that feels real to me
I did share one more request for him to not have s3x with anyone until I come back to Kauai and he agreed that he could honor that as we haven’t even made love yet and for me to fully surrender I feel that I need to know he hasn’t been with someone else in that way.
Who knows whats going to happen
He may fall in love with this other woman
He may realize he isn’t into her the way he thought
He may actually want to have s3x with her
All I know is when we are moving with maturity and authenticity we can make choices together
Which may look like us continuing to connect romantically or to let our relationship transition into something else
I am okay with either and trust in how we are being guided
What a journey long distance relating is
Ugh, honestly I just want to be there right now diving into our super juicy love
It’s hard being so far away
But there have been beautiful jewels of intelligence that have fruited from the distance
We have really seen that our connection is meaningful, worth something and real because we continue to want to show up for it when it could easily dissipate by not being in the same place
Moral of the story:
TELL THE FUCKING TRUTH NO MATTER HOW SCARY IT IS
This is what will heal us, bring us to life, heal our nervous systems and the world
It is funny he was scared to tell me about this while I was anxious but by telling me is what allowed the anxiety to move and for me to relax and feel safe.
This was a really huge realization for me that I am not even sure if I can fully put into words accurately yet.
I have always felt that withholding information is what causes a relationship to wobble and one person becomes reactive/suspicious (usually the empath) because they can feel and sense something is off even if it isn’t being communicated.
EVERYTHING is communicated on the subtle realms, our subconscious knows everything so we truly cant hide from each other
It is incredible what happens when we show up in authenticity and are completely honest
It changes everything
When we can share our messy, scary, wild and feral truth with one another true alchemy takes place
This is the kind of truth that allows another person to truly see you, the raw you
This is the kind of truth that will set us free and change the world
Miracles happen when we are honest
I feel so grateful to be learning and growing with someone who is just as committed to growth and expansion as I am.
To telling the truth even when it is scary
Choosing to meet me in the authenticity I long for
The beginning of a relationship is a beautiful journey of learning one another
To meeting each other
Choosing to say yes even when challenges arise
And not giving up and running away
But moving closer
Building a foundation
Creating new pathways of partnership together
Rising and falling in Love
I am curious and excited to see how this love story continues to unfold...