If you haven't heard the term fawn yet, in short fawning is using people pleasing to diffuse conflict, to feel more secure in relationships, mirroring others opinions, ignoring personal boundaries & absorbing others wants as your own to earn their approval.
Most fawners grew up in chaotic or emotionally abusive homes and they learned to cope with the abuse by people pleasing in order to not be rejected. This means if they were well behaved they could minimize conflict to secure love and attachment.
It is a survival strategy that is actually quite intelligent & wise for children but creates problems as adults.
When we fawn we subconsciously mirror what we think others want from us which leads to the complete abandonment of self.
This is something I have been consciously working on for almost two years. There are many complex layers to it and lately theres been some major growth taking place.
I recently made a tough decision that I knew others were not going to agree with and would be upset by. This decision felt really true and aligned for me and I knew by making this choice that I was choosing to not abandon myself but I didn't quite think of what the consequences were going to be.
And you know what, some people really did not like me for it and clearly let me know.
This is why the people pleaser exists because it doesn't want to have to face the painful feelings of others being upset, angry & disappointed with them because it is too painful and threatening.
After I realized people were upset with me I almost backtracked and questioned whether I made the wrong choice but after reflecting with a sister about it I realized how important it was for me to fully honor my decision knowing it came from deep wisdom, respect and conscious choice and it was still true & right for me even though some didn't agree.
My little one inside was scared she f*cked up and didn't do it right.
& after unpacking it a bit more I realized whether I do things right or wrong is not connected to whether people like me or not.
I really let that one sink in.
By choosing what felt best and not abandoning myself left me with having to actually face and feel what it felt like inside when people do not like me.
It was completely excruiating at first,
Annilating to the parts of me that are terrified of rejection.
I wanted to avoid it, fix it and make it all better which would have looked like me catering to what others wanted so obviously I knew that wasn't the way.
There was a clear invitation here for me to feel the feelings and sensations that I usually would avoid.
I consciously chose to create new pathways in my mind and body instead of falling back into giving into what others wanted just to be liked
& I allowed myself to really sit with the uncomfortable feelings of rejection
I dove into them,
I tasted them,
I felt them fully,
I danced with the pain
and you know what...
Eventually it brought me into an ecstatic state of pure pleasure and laughter.
I was in the evolutionary spiral of my people pleaser dissolving a bit more & the in between space where it still hurt and was super uncomfortable but simultaneously felt so f*cking good.
Like really really good.
It is such an exquisite experience to be able to hold both the pain and the pleasure at the same time.
It felt exhilarating to know I didn't reject myself just to make others happy.
I felt such an immense amount of joy inside knowing that I remained true to me.
I knew this was big so I really slowed down to digiest it and take it all in.
I allowed space for it to integrate.
I breathed new pathways into my blood, bones, cells and DNA and had the felt sense experience of deeply realizing that it is okay that people will not always like me when I don’t abandon myself.
This brought me into true ecstatic happiness!
I was literally laying on the floor laughing uncontrollably.
I felt in my power being able to truly feel the pain of someone not liking me instead of feeling the harsh consequences of me abandoning myself.
I don't want everyone to like me.
& I don't want to like everyone.
I want connections that are real and true and not based off of manipulation, control, people pleasing or fawning.
The more I stay true to who I am and not abandon myself the more I will be faced with others judgments, rejection and disappointments which actually feels fucking relieving!
It takes way more energy to abandon myself than it does to have to feel the feelings of others not accepting me.
& I am excited to see how much more space this will create in all areas of my life as I continue to grow stronger in my core, anchored in my sovereignty & connected to my self in deeper and deeper ways.
In the past I would've never wanted to feel the feelings of rejection and now I am learning to lean in and accept them in an entirely new way.
You can't give up your people pleaser and think everyone is going to like you.
It doesn't work like that.
You have to be willing to sit in the fire of being disliked and rejected and still love and accept yourself fully.
That is the true medicine.
That is the alchemy that transforms everything.
It always comes back to how much you love yourself and how much you got you.