I Thought I Loved Myself

I thought I loved myself. I’ve been working on consciously loving myself for 7 years, And the layers continue to unravel, Showing me how I don’t know if I’ve ever truly loved myself at all. Sure, it’s easy to love myself when I have everything structured perfectly how I need in order to keep the false illusion of self love in place & it’s easy to love my body when I am in shape, which my body is naturally slim so it’s been easy for me to ‘think’ I love my body which has been so far from the truth! Anytime I would start to get to ‘that weight’ I didn’t feel good at, I wouldn’t let it win I would start eating less, of course all organic and healthy, I would start exercising more to stay looking pretty. I didn’t even realize I did this because it was so programmed. I kept my self love under control In a pretty little box With a ribbon and bow And if it started to go outside of the lines of what my mind said was acceptable I would be quick to fix it so I wouldn’t have to feel all the toxic shame, judgement & self hatred. It worked at times but in the last year it has all been crumbling down. Impossible to try to control it, & too exhausting to continue to fake it. And now I look back at the times where I use to think I looked ‘my best’ and my mouth drops because I see a girl who is way too skinny & is trying so hard to impress. I tried so hard to keep it all under control So I didn’t have to feel the self hatred and all the ways I didn’t feel whole. I didn’t realize it for so long but I use to think being beautiful meant only looking one way, the way all the movies, magazines, & society portrays. Being slim & in shape, beautiful hair, clear skin .. you know, picture perfect And as my conditionings continue to shift around what ‘beautiful’ means to me I’m noticing I am judging myself even more and wishing I looked different. In a sense it’s expanding my ideas around what beautiful is, And it’s unearthing the places within that I still don’t love myself fully for *who I am* I am realizing self love is not as easy as I once believed I can take all the Rose baths, meditate, exercise, do yoga, eat well and I still compare and judge myself daily. It’s a parasite .. This noise in my mind That continuously wants to bring me down and isn’t very loving or kind. So what is real self love? It’s not only loving yourself when you look and feel your best It’s loving all the parts that are messy and still a work in progress. It’s not comparing yourself to women who have a bigger ass and juicer hips It’s loving your small frame and the beautiful subtle dips. (Or vice versa) It’s not telling yourself your unworthy and doing it all wrong, It’s allowing yourself to feel your fears and still fully loving and accepting it all. It’s not saying “once I’m there” then I will feel better and love myself more It’s resting into the uncomfortableness of the moment and still saying ‘I love you right here, just as you are’ Self love is looking at yourself in the mirror every single day And loving yourself even when there are pimples and your hair isn’t going your way. Self love is loving yourself even when life isn’t how you want it to be. Self love is loving all parts of you, even the ones you think are unworthy. I’ve come to see that my own mind is my biggest competition, That my inner critic is the one keeping me from my soul mission. Can I love myself when all of my trauma comes back & I ‘thought’ it was healed? Can I love the parts of me that are naive and still learning? Can I love myself when I fuck up? Can I love myself when I judge? Can I love myself when I compare? Can I love myself when others don’t understand and accept me? Can I love myself when people I love and care about cut me out of their lives? Can I love myself when I am projected on? Can I love myself when I am not where I want to be? Can I love myself when nothing feels good enough? Can I love myself even through all the toxic shame? Can I truly, wholly and fully love myself no matter what... No matter how I look No matter how I feel No matter what the external environment brings Can I hold this steady anchor of wild self love through it all? I don’t know what the answer is but it is currently what I am working on. From ovulation until my moon time, I wake up every morning and can feel the shaming start in my mind, Telling me I’m not where I want to be, I failed and I’m not doing anything right And I catch it and hold it with the utmost love and care I communicate to that part inside that is scared And I let her know that I am right there. I do some tapping and tell myself even though I’m feeling a lot of shame and pressure I still love and accept myself exactly as I am. And I will continue to do that every morning and throughout the day until I fully believe it Because I love myself enough to know I don’t deserve to be talked to in that way & I will do what it takes to shift these imprints every single day. I love myself exactly as I am. I love and accept all of me. All of me is welcome here. I will be gentle and loving to the parts that are scared. I will accept where I am at and go slow when I need more care. I will hold my little one in the ways she didn’t receive when she was younger & I will do what I can now to form the most nourishing and supportive relationship with my inner child. I thought I loved myself & now I’m learning what true self love really is. A year ago I would’ve never thought I still didn’t love myself this much, I would’ve never thought I had body shame or judged myself so intensely but I kept everything structured in a way that it didn’t bring these things up too much and when those structures collapsed.. what’s left is the real self love and solid foundation which I am still very much learning & building. What I have come to remember is that when I am ready to see the layers and be even more honest with myself is when they are able to come to the surface and be loved into deeper wholeness. 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗 How can you be more gentle, more loving and more accepting of yourself today?





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