I use to think in order to heal I needed to have intense & cathartic experiences

I use to think in order to heal I needed to have intense & cathartic experiences. These experiences tended to be fast, way too fast and usually included a sensation of pain attached to it. I thought I needed to feel pain in order to be with it and move it. I thought it needed to be fast in order for me to heal quicker. I was addicted to growth & always needed to keep leveling up, reaching for something that was never attainable at least from the lens that I was seeing through. For a long time I backed up this way of navigating trauma. What I didn’t fully realize was that my trauma was the one that enjoyed these experiences. My trauma was the one that was use to things being intense, fast, & painful. I got turned on by the pain & high activation. I wasn’t accepting myself for where I was at & I was constantly chasing the next breakthrough in order to be anywhere other than where I was. I was stuck in the always needing to fix, change & make better place. & that is a really painful place to be because nothing is ever good enough, there is always something to change, always something to work on, always something to do to be better. & I was there because I didn’t accept myself. It was a mirror of my inner world of not allowing myself to simply be who I was. There were definitely many layers of healing that took place during that phase AND I also see where it was re-traumatizing and continued to play out the imprints & patterns I was familiar and comfortable with instead of creating a more solid foundation to allow real lasting change. Looking back, I don’t judge or shame myself for this. I recognize and honor where I was at & what I needed at the time. Now, my overall approach to healing is a way more slow & gentle way. I feel as if the feminine is descending deeper and deeper into my body, guiding me, showing me the way to a more sustainable place of true internal wholeness. What I’m discovering is it can be so subtle, so slow, so sweet, and so nourishing & loving. I’m not saying to bypass and not let out a strong emotions, make sounds or move big.. I am all for that as it is needed and has its time and place. But now even through those experiences, there is a different texture and softness with it. There is more loving acceptance, more care, more gentleness and patience with my process. I stay within my window of tolerance and with conscious choice, lean into my edges. If it feels like too much and I don’t have the capacity to keep going, I pause. I listen. I slow down. I pay attention to all of the nuances and subtleties that are happening within & I check in with my body. I am getting better and better at navigating my inner terrain with acceptance and patience of where I am at without needing to fix or change my experience and that within itself brings so much peace. It is true liberation. I am learning it is okay to feel however I am feeling & to welcome it all. When a really uncomfortable & scary emotion arises, I am getting better at being able to bring it up from the shadows of my psyche where my old tendency would’ve been to repress it so I wouldn’t have to face it & instead I invite it in, I bring it out to the light, I speak to it out loud, I journal it, I share it with trusted friends and unravel the energy associated with it. I have done these things for many years but there is a new embodied understanding rooting in, a descending of gnosis that is coming online in a much more grounded way. My new approach is being deeply attuned to my own vessel, my own being, to all of the complexities and layers of my psyche. The more I learn how to attune to myself, to be gentle with myself and truly and deeply love myself, the more I can show up in a more loving and attuned way with others. This is one of my deepest passions. Yes, it still involves growth which I can not deny is one of my main inspirations in this life but the growth has a new flavor of allowance, acceptance, trust, patience, true love and care, & so much less judgment. I am learning to love ALL parts of me, welcoming all of who I am, which includes the little girl, the wounded child, the silly one, the anxious one, the one who longs to be accepted, the empowered woman, the embodied woman, the mature one, the immature one, the innocent child, the shadow seer, the one who judges, the one who is in fear, the priestess, the artist, the deep feminine muse.. I am learning to integrate & accept all of me more. I believe this is one of the deepest and most challenging journeys we can embark upon as humans & I am committed to continue to learn how to fully love and accept all of me because there really is no other choice. Self judgement and shame are one of the most detrimental energies that exists & when it arises I am learning to be ever so gentle and delicate with it so I don’t get trapped in the egoic shame spiral that creates way more pain. I feel grateful and humbled to my core to know there is another way. If you are in a place of chasing cathartic and breakthrough experiences please know I am not telling you to not do those things or to change. I am simply inviting awareness to the idea that there may be a more nourishing and sustainable way. I am grateful for those along my path who invited me into this awareness & even though I didn’t listen at the time, it stuck with me and now I see more clearly what they meant. It is always your choice. You know you better than anyone else. You know what is best for your body & I trust you are being guided in exactly the way you need in each moment & maybe you felt yourself question the way you’ve been navigating your growth. Maybe you have pushed yourself too hard or gone past your window of tolerance. Maybe it’s been really scary or you keep doing all the things and nothing seems to be working and nothing really changes. You feel stuck in the same place again & again even though you are doing all the things to heal! Maybe you haven’t been so loving to yourself and you are longing to find a new way that is more gentle and sustainable to your whole being. If any of this lands for you, I have a sense you will deeply resonate with 🌿E M B O D Y 🌿my 7 Day Expressive Embodiment Experience. Come explore, move, sound, breathe and be with us exactly as you are. No fixing, changing or advice giving happens in this space. I know for me having the felt sense experience of being fully welcome and accepted even if I am grumpy, sad, angry, silly, confused, frustrated, in resistance or afraid has been one of the most healing balms I have tasted. Come drink this medicine with me beloveds..

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XO





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