When I was a little girl I experienced intense pain in my yoni. For example, anytime I would see an intimate scene on tv, it could be something as simple as seeing people kiss on a Disney show, my yoni would start to hurt really bad!
Although I didn’t understand why it was hurting I knew I needed to do something to help the pain go away, so I would cup and hold it and push on it with pressure until it stopped. Intuitively at a young age I now understand that I was doing what they teach in tao tantra when people experience pain or numbness in the yoni.
As soon as I was intimate with my first boyfriend in High School (even before making love) I began getting candida infection after infection after infection. No matter what I did they would NEVER go away. I was in so much pain and very uncomfortable. After months of going the western route I ended up switching to a holistic way of healing that started with diet (which changed my life) and ended up leading me on a journey to profound levels of self awareness and healing on a cellular level.
In high school I went to the doctor a couple of times because of the pain in my womb. They would do an ultra sound and each time they would find a cyst on one of my ovaries. They made it seem like it was no big deal, that it was completely normal, and would tell my parents as long as it doesn't burst there is nothing to worry about and it should go away on its own. This is absolutely ridiculous that doctors believe having a cyst on your ovary is in any way normal. I later found out I had PCOS after going to a naturopath, which I have now healed through diving deep into Womb Healing. During this time of my life I had no conscious knowledge of any solutions other than taking midol, using a heating pad, and doing my best to power through.
I use to experience extreme pain during my moon cycles, so intense that I would be curled up in a ball crying for hours. I was also emotionally explosive and would experience vast waves of depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation. Last year I learned that I experience PMDD (pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder) which is a severe form of PMS that includes physical and behavioral symptoms that usually resolve with the onset of menstruation. I have been learning the ends and outs of this disorder and going to the root of it to be able to help myself and others who struggle with it.
In college I would get a UTI after each time I had s€x, & twice they lead to a kidney infection. Kidneys, according to Traditional Chinese Medicine, are the origin of life. From a western perspective, the kidneys are a filtration and waste-removal organ. But the Kidney organ system, in TCM theory, is like the control center of your Yin-Yang equilibrium system, including the seat of s€xuality and desire. My body was literally screaming to me to pay even deeper attention to it and give it the love and care she longed for.
S€x was ALWAYS painful. I knew in my heart it wasn’t supposed to hurt but I had experienced pain from the very first time I ever made love and for years and years after. I let go of thinking that I would ever genuinely enjoy it. I thought it was going to be that way forever as that was all I knew. I thought it was just how I was, that I was broken, and I would never experience the beautiful, passionate, and the juicy intimacy that others would share about.
While making love I would pray for my partner to orga$m as fast as possible so I didn't have to hold in all the pain I was experiencing and I would pretend I enjoyed it. Sounds of pain are oddly similar to sounds of pleasure. I am sure some of you ladies know exactly what I am talking about. At the time I wasn’t dating conscious men so they weren’t in tune enough energetically to tell the difference and know what I was going through and I wasn’t strong enough to communicate my experience to them.
I deeply longed to enjoy being intimate but it was impossible because there was so much pain, so much fear, and so much unconscious trauma from this lifetime and others that I resisted intimacy and I didn’t understand why I was so terrified of it. I was not able to have orga$ms until I was 25 years old because the pain blocked the pleasure. When I was in relationships I pretended I enjoyed s€x because I thought I had to do it to please my partner or he wouldn’t love me and would leave me which terrified me and touched on my deepest wound of feeling rejected and abandoned. So glad that belief is not running the show anymore! It is a PAINFUL one!
I eventually got in a relationship where we were mostly best friends and roommates but rarely ever made love. This was safe for me but also painful because I knew I desired something more, much more! My soul would whisper to me that deeper love was possible and I knew I had to experience it!
After so many years of pain, suffering, being afraid of intimacy, and betraying my soul, I finally reached a point where my yoni started to feel completely numb and shut down. I couldn’t feel any pleasure or passion flowing through my body.
Simultaneously I had one menstrual cycle that was so excruciating painful that I threw up. The intensity of that cycle, the numbness in my yoni, and longing to experience the pleasure and intimacy I knew was possible were the final catalysts that allowed me to see I had no other choice than to dive deeper into the root of the the pain and terror.
This was no small feat, in fact this was the heroins journey and more.
I had to figure out what was going on, to listen to my womb and really allow her to speak to me & let her guide me for what I needed to do in order to heal. This was a huge turning point for me. I began to address and look at what I was so terrified of and find out why my womb was in so much pain.
Why was I getting so many cysts on my ovaries? Why would the candida not go away? Why were my cycles so painful? Why was s€x so miserable? Why was I so afraid of being raped? Why could I not experience Love and intimacy in the way I knew was possible? Why could I not have orga$ms? Why did I think I was being manipulated? What was I so terrified of when deep down all I longed for was a deeply passionate and healthy love with another?
I embarked on a journey of deep self Love and healing through tantra, trainings, many workshops and lived experiences that have without a doubt completely changed my life in the most incredible ways.
During this journey I was initiated into the deeper mysteries of the womb after going through a traumatic experience in 2014. This was the catalyst that truly opened me into the feminine mysteries, connected me to the voice of my womb, and I began to heal and listen to her on a much vaster level.
My womb is now a much clearer space for me to connect into. She is an oracle that guides me into my innermost depths of knowing and opens me to my creativity and passions in life as well as holds me when I journey into the underworld and has taught me to navigate suffering in an entirely new way.
I want to share everything I have learned with anyone who is going through what I use to experience because I know how excruciatingly painful it is.
In the last few years...
I went from experiencing painful s€x to s€x being pain free 95% of the time and when pain does arise, I now have incredible tools to help tune in and listen to my womb to move the memories, energies, and blocks in a conscious and healthy way.
I went from feeling numb, super low libido and exhausted all the time to super juicy orga$mic pleasure and ecstatic bliss and not just with physical intimacy but in every day life! I am completely thrilled by the beauty that life is. Eco-s€xual is a term I love to use for how turned on I feel by nature and life!
I went from not being able to have an orga$m to being omni-orgasmic and having orga$ms just from breathing! Yes, you can do this too!
I went from not enjoying s€x and being completely terrified of it to absolutely loving the passionate, juicy, heart opening, playful, and loving experience true union brings forth.
I went from going through waves of depression that would take over my life to learning how to dance with the shadow and love myself in a more embodied way and to be able to handle the waves with immense love, compassion, acceptance and care.
This has been a deep, challenging and powerful process. I know I went through all of this so I can be a supportive ally for others to connect back to their wombs, their Self, and to their innate wholeness.
I am a Certified Womb Practitioner and it is my deepest passion to support other women in rising into the wholeness, unlocking their kundalini, opening their bodies to pleasure, tapping into their erotic primordial innocence and to love themselves more than they ever have before.
A big part of my journey the last year has been conscious celibacy and womb clearing.
The last 2 months I have been offering Online Womb Clearing Ceremonies on the New Moon and they have been unbelievably powerful. It is such an honor to share these practices and rituals with you and to dive deep into healing the womb together!
The next one is coming up this Wednesday July 31st 6PM Pacific time.
Womb Clearing is a great place to start to allow old energies to move to create space for something new to emerge.
If you are interested click the link below and read the details in the description or send me a message if you have any questions at all!😘