Today at dance I pulled a tarot card before we began
The card I picked was ‘the family’
I didn’t make the connection right away for how perfectly fitting this card was.
Recently I’ve been feeling eternally dissatisfied, especially at dance.
Usually dance is a space where I feel deeply embodied & connected to myself
But the last month every time I step into the space I’ve been feeling the depths of disconnection and loneliness more than ever before.
The last two dances I’ve left which is rare for me to do
& today I was sitting on the side tuning in to the feeling of utter dissatisfaction
A dear sister came and checked on me because she could tell I was moving through something
I told her I was in a weird mood and she said “yeah, I can tell”
She held me
And I begin to cry and cry and cry
I really let myself go into it and feel it
It was one of the deepest cries I’ve had in a long time
I went all the way in
& all of these memories from the last couple of weeks came streaming through my mind that were helping me understand why I was feeling the way that I am.
As the memories were coming through I balled harder and harder and harder
I felt quite surprised at how deeply I was able to let go
I felt completely safe in her arms to unravel
After the purge of tears I told her I wanted to shake and simultaneously a cathartic song came on
It was like my wave and the wave of the music were one
I shaked and sounded and I could feel what I really needed was to scream to fully release
For a moment I felt fear that this specific container wasn’t okay with that
And I had to say fuck it...
In Bali I could scream anytime and I never felt judged ... it was accepted in the field and people consistently let out loud sounds and got really primal
But here it feels totally different
I haven’t felt like I can really be ‘myself’ at dance
I’ve mostly kept in my emotions
I’ve kept in my pain
I’ve not made many sounds
And kept it pretty simple and plain
I needed to scream
So I did
I screamed and banged my hands into the floor
Over and over again
The scream was all of the pain of disconnection
All of the grief of separation
The most intense loneliness even when you are amongst other people
And you know what,
It gave others permission to use their voice too
I’m sure some people judged it
But it felt so good to allow myself to be me and do what I know I needed to do to move the energy
When I looked up an elder woman was standing in front of me with her arms open and my friend was behind me holding space
It felt so good to be supported from the front and back by my sisters as I released.
You know the feeling after swimming under the water for too long and finally coming up to the surface and taking a breath
That’s what it felt like
A deep exhale of relief of so much sadness
So much disconnection
So much judgement and pain
The longing for deeper, more meaningful authentic connections
So yeah, the family oracle couldn’t of been more fitting
I feel like I am traversing through a phase of life where I am truly touching into the grace of grief
Grieving it all
Mourning all the ways we are trying our best to relate and connect to one another but there is so much pain, trauma and fear in the way.
Grieving all the lost friendships and connections along the way
There are so many reasons for the collapse of connection
Someone being triggered too much
Someone not feeling safe
Someone needing space
Someone needing to be in control
Someone feeling afraid
Someone not being available
The list goes on and on and on....
My heart aches
And simultaneously I see the perfection in it all
The exquisite brilliance of the play
I can be so deeply in it and also right outside witnessing the dance have its way.
The utter acceptance of what is in each and every moment.
It takes immense courage to be who you are in a world that promotes self betrayal as a way of life.
Today I let go of the judgments and fear of what others may think and I reclaimed a piece of who I really am.
I honestly feel this is why I’ve felt disconnected at dance the last month
Because I haven’t allowed myself to really express in the ways I usually do.
Let’s see what happens the more I allow myself to let go.....
& break into the beauty more and more